Ahh, the power of difficult discussions. I’ve been thinking about something sitting like a splinter in my consciousness. It’s about ownership.
Ownership of the vagina and the womb. What I am noticing is that there is this new framework of relationships that is all about pussy ownership, dressed up as “open and empowered relationships.”
So why is this important to discuss? Because it seems to me like these kinds of games are doing more damage to the female empowerment discussion than good. By pretending to be all about female sexual liberation–we hide the fact so many “open” relationships are still, at their core, about ownership, suppression and pussy control.
So I’m offering my female readers a few hints to help you think about whether or not your vagina is owned by you or your partner.
Are you free to come and go as you please? In other words, do you always have to get the approval of your partner before you do something/anything? Are you acting from empowerment or are you asking for permission?
Are you “trusted” in your relationship? In other words, is the framework of your relationship one of adults trusting one another, or one of a parent not trusting a child to do “the right things”?
Are you empowered in your decision making? Let’s say you make a decision to stay out late with your girlfriends because you are having fun. Is that empowered, tolerated and allowed, or would that behavior be shamed and punished?
So many couples walk around thinking they are sexually empowered, when really, at the core, they are just acting out pussy ownership and domination in a slightly different way. Pretending that things are open and empowered, while really being treated by our partners like children, leaves us feeling disempowered and ashamed. It’s the actual dynamic of so many relationships.
Furthermore, implied ownership and domination is stressful for all people involved. If one partner is all about domination and control of the pussy, they have to be vigilant all the time, looking out for violations of trust, opportunities to shame, and stand in constant fear of being duped, lied to or even of loss of their precious “pussy-property.”
Here’s the bottom line: a woman’s womb is her own. She must claim her empowered womb as her own – and set boundaries with partners from this empowered space. With this simple frame in place – that my womb is my own – there are all kinds of behaviors, from partners and society, that women would naturally say “no” to. This is the essence of real self empowerment, and I believe it begins by learning to trust our own inner adult decision making, and parenting ourselves from self-compassion, experience and wisdom – instead of punishment and reward.