This blog is a further exploration of my last post about female sex drive.
My friend Reid reidaboutsex.com and I were talking about sexual relationships, and he had a brilliant realization that he shared with me. He calls it ‘dating within your species’.
In intimate relationships, it’s important to get a reasonable match
in sex drive, in sexual philosophy, and in sexual experience. This is dating within your species.
If you have a high natural sex drive, but you are dating someone with a low natural sex drive, things might be OK over the short term but in my experience, over time, resentments build up.
I hear this on a regular basis in my sessions. One partner or the other has a major difference in sex drive and there is a lot of pent up hostility. This creates friction and drama inside the realitionship.
Personally, I’m not a fan of drama. Some people love it, but I’m not one of them. Matching sex drive can be helpful in lowering drama. If people are happy with the amount of fucking going on inside the relationship, then they tend to be happy to not fuck with the relationship.
But here’s the thing – sexual relationships are not carved in stone. Our bodies change. Our needs change. Our tastes change. Our desires change. Even if we start dating within the same species, we may find ourselves migrating to a different species over time.
I was chatting with my girlfriend last night and she was shocked to discover that, now that college is over for the summer, she is filled with renewed sexual desire. She was relieved because she thought she had “lost” her sex drive. In fact, her sexual drive was focused on her studies. Once the pressure of finals was removed – bam – helloooo sexual desire.
The same can be said of anything that occupies your time and energy – all of it – can affect your sex drive.
I’ve been writing an eBook and taking 24 hour care of a sick kitty for the last 4 weeks. As a result of the extreme focus, I have had NO sex drive at all. Here I have been writing the definitive eBook on male masturbation, but paradoxically, I hardly masturbated at all during the writing process. All of my sexual energy has been focused on the act of writing and taking care of our sick kitty.
My point is this; the ebbing and flowing of sexual drive is a very natural thing. From hormones to stress, from weather to moods swings, from drugs to diet, from aging to plain old differences in our biology, sex drive is unique for everybody.
Even ideas like “I don’t have much sex drive” or “I have too much sex drive,” seem erroneous simply because we have to ask the question, “whom or what are we comparing ourselves to?”
Sex comes in all flavors, shapes and sizes. Instead of judging ourselves or others, let’s just notice that sex is happening. How much is too much or not enough? Well, that is for each of us to decide for ourselves. Things will change. So you may just as well relax and enjoy, and work with what you’ve got, to get what you want, the way you want it for now.