I’m leading a “Perfect Touch Mindset” seminar next weekend for men. The workshop is about helping men with the mindset necessary for improving their touch skills. When we can learn to touch another human being from our authenticity – in touch with our own true desires – while focusing our partner’s wants, needs and desires it’s magic.
In discussing the creation of this workshop with my business partner Jaiya, www.redhottouch.com, we both have found that one of the biggest complaints we hear from women has to do with how poorly men touch them.
The challenge is that touch skills don’t just fall off the truck. They need to be learned and practiced. So, what exactly makes a man’s touch extraordinary? Jaiya and came up with her top ten list, and I have added to that. I have included things which we believe can make all the difference in the world when it comes to developing exquisite touch skills and offering another person the opportunity to experience exceptional pleasure.
1 – Get to Know Her Anatomy- The female body is filled with erogenous hot spots that love different kinds of touch. Learn these hot spots and how to they like to be touched best. Take the time to learn about her genital anatomy and non-genital anatomy- where is her clitoris, her g-spot, or her hottest non-genital erogenous areas.
2 – Practice Inviting Her to Experience Her Pleasure. I love to ask my partner if she is wanting me to take her on a sensual adventure. I’ll often say something simple, like “would you be comfortable with me focusing on your pleasure for the next 30 minutes?” This step is awesome because it allows her to completely relax her mind and and body, knowing that this experience is all about her pleasure. Sometimes her words will say “yes”, but her body will be saying “no.” In this case, it’s helpful to ask the question, “Is there anything I do for you right now that will allow you to feel totally at ease and relaxed?” Take care of those immediate needs before you begin.
3 – Learn to Create Safety. Studies have shown a correlation between anxiety and lack of arousal. When we are anxious, and concerned about our well being, sexual arousal is quiet in the brain. Anxiety turns libido off. It is a must that we create safe space for a woman to be able to deeply receive our touch. Communication is essential. The time you take in step 1 will go a long way. However, a great way to create physical safety for her is simply placing a hand on her shoulder, her breast bone, the pubic bone, or hold her hip bones, before we begin sensual or sexual touching.
4 – Learn to Breathe Deeply During Sexual Play. Breath is essential when it comes to erotic relaxation. Often times as soon as there is sex or nudity, our breath goes away. Take deep breaths together, as if you are wanting to sync her breath with your breath. Breath deeply and slowly. Feel free to make some noise.
5 – Get Out of Your Head. Learn to focus on her body and her pleasure. In order to get out of your own head, focus on the pleasure and happiness of the person in front of you. Fill your touch with relaxed focus. Touch with confidence. If you are touching her and you are nervous or wondering if you are doing it right, she’ll feel the tension in your fingers and hands. Instead of being in your own head, give her all your presence and attention. See how many things you can notice about her skin- the temperature, the texture, how her skin responds, etc. Notice everything you can about her and how your touch is causing her to respond. When you focus on her and being present with her then you will get out of your own head and will give her the touch she so desires.
6 – Google Map Her Body – Mapping is a way of discovering how much pleasure she receives when we touch her in specific areas. Ask her on a scale of 1-5 how pleasurable that area is. You can begin to create a pleasure map, finding her most pleasurable hot spots.
7 – Learn to Calibrate your Touch. We want to learn to touch her in a way that fits her needs. The body is always changing, and we all have cycles. Depending on how she’s feeling, she might like more nurturing touch, she may be feeling sassy, or anything in between. Understanding cycles allows you to be completely open to how she needs to be touched in this moment. Learn how to calibrate touch to her energy, and she may wonder how she ever got such an attentive lover.
9- Learn to Build Her Energy Up and Help Bring Her Energy Down – Pleasure is a dance. It has a beginning, a middle, a climax, and an ending. Take time with the whole dance. Remember to enjoy and appreciate the foreplay and the afterplay. Most people leave out the afterplay. But afterplay is the time when all the beautiful bonding can happen because of the release of oxytocin. It’s definitely something you want to take full advantage of. Afterplay is the time to bond and connect.
10- Learn to Help Her To Communicate – Beside poor training, many people feel ashamed about asking for what they want sexually. For this reason we want to help our partner communicate her pleasure needs. Many women expect their partners to read their minds when they are not really sure of what they want. Obviously if you are on dodsonandross.com then you are learning to communicate your needs and desires more effectively. However, as her lover you can help her communicate by asking for feedback. Because her mind doesn’t want to think in the throws of pleasure, it’s helpful to ask simple questions. Here’s a short list of simple questions that can help you to hone in on her pleasure. I keep the questions very simple so she only has to throw out one word responses.
faster, slower, perfect?
harder, softer, perfect?
more pressure, less pressure, perfect?
Sometimes, whatever you are currently doing just isn’t working. That’s totally fine. It’s perfectly acceptable to try something completely different.
This is my list, however I am always learning. The idea here it to begin to become more conscious of touch in a way that communicates that you are totally there to support your partner in expanding her experience of pleasure.
If you had to make a top ten list, what would be at the top? What are some of the things you wish your lovers would know, understand, and practice when touching you?